Merigian Studios


Cleaning Out The Closet


Cleaning Out The Closet

No one would call me an adventuresome person, but I like adventure. Not the kind of adventure that requires one to contemplate one's safety or ability to perform like climbing the face of a cliff or hang gliding through a mountain valley; more like the kind of adventure that requires one to dig deep inside and find solutions to those disturbances that haunt one's spirit. We all have them. Those events that we cannot reconcile with any form of logic or rational understanding that seems to make sense of what had occured.

One of the hardest events for parents to reconcile is the death of one of their children. According to most parents, they believe they will die before their children. I have witnessed the death of many children, both young and old. I spoke to a ninety-three year-old man who lost his sixty-seven year-old son. As the conversation grew, it was apparent that the elderly man spoke about his son as if he were a twelve year-old boy. The demon of the death of a child haunts people forever no matter what their age.

Many of you reading my blog may not know that I remarried in November of 2016. For various reasons beyond the scope of this blog, I did not broadcast it to the world in any shape, form or fashion. Some might think shame was the motive. It was not. Some might think I wanted to live a secret life. I do not. Some may believe I married someone who has a checkered past. She does not. I married an amazing woman of whom I am very proud. She is beautiful in all ways. Her name is Angie. I am a very lucky man.

Many of you know that Lisa, my previous wife died of breast cancer. We had a deep history which started when she was fourteen years-old and I was seventeen years-old.  The old story of high school sweethearts who eventually ended up married, only to have one of us die after being married for 18 months. I spent our marriage taking care of her until her last days. It was painful watching someone die right before your eyes and being unable to change the course of their destiny. What was more painful was the demon that stuck in my head, that my life stopped when her heart stopped beating. It was as if I could not see the future since the past had buried me deep in a profound mountain of grief and sadness.

Even though I survived, everything was dull, gray and out of accord with living a full life. The guilt of doing the wrong thing by loving another person to the level of how I loved her was bottomless. Even though my children needed their dad, it was not the same as a woman needing her husband and a husband needing his wife. I believe that a man derives all of his psychological well being from a woman, he projects her love and character. She is the Moon. He is the Sun.

Yesterday night, I finally made the step and removed all that was her from Angie and my home. It was an event that was invigorating. I realized a few months ago that the past was hindering my future. I just did not know how much it was weighing me down. I came to realize that it was not my fault that Lisa died, and it was her blessing that I was the one who had the honor of helping her walk through the threshold of the living to the afterlife, in what-ever form it took. I finally released the burden: living in the shadows of the past only destroys the sunshine of the future. It is a difficult lesson to learn or grow through, but I have finally made it.

For those of you who believe that a healer never goes through their own healing, know that healers heal and then heal others. I created the monuments of Lisa in an effort to show that true love exists, it does happen to people if they allow their heart to lead, but use their mind to dig deep into the values and motives of another. That process is the only way they will know who to trust. I was afraid that the next woman I loved profoundly would die, an iteration of the same fractal pattern that has been set in my mind. I have freed myself from that thought. I am free to love Angie in all the ways she deserves.

I hope that when you read this blog, you will be inspired to lead with your heart. Know that many things happen in our lives that do not reflect our actions or inactions in any way. And that the light at the end of the tunnel is much closer than it appears. The darkness can go away if you decide to make it go away. Release those feelings of guilt that haunt your every move and be true to yourself, then be true to others. The Divine will embrace you.

And although there may be a rocky road now and then, two are always stronger than one. Always.


Posted by Amanda Sanders at 10:18 AM
Share |